How Feminists Will Save the Human Race From the Zombocalypse

I strongly suspect that when the zombie apocalypse strikes, the only group of survivors who will be capable of saving the human race from complete obliteration will be feminists. Here’s why.

1. Feminists are always prepared. When the gore-bespeckled monstrosities come knocking at our doors, most people simply won’t believe they could be brain-sucking pariahs and will do what comes naturally to most people—either try and talk some reason into the munching marauders, or run away. Not so feminists. When strange, craven-looking men come knocking at our doors, we barely have to bookmark our place in the latest copy of Ms. Magazine before dealing with the issue at hand. It’s a simple matter of choosing which of the variety of blunt instruments we keep ready near every access point to our cat-infested abodes at all times with which to turn those gaping maws and grasping claws into so much pulped tar-tar for Muffin and Tiger to enjoy at their leisure.

2. Feminists know where to get weapons. Let’s face it, no one knows their way around a home improvement store better than a feminist (who not only will fix that leaky faucet herself, but will search every fuggen aisle of the store for that oh-so-elusive gate diverter before asking some condescending dudebag for help), and there is no place more stocked with zombie-defense paraphernalia than a Home Depot or Lowe’s. Once the reality of the zombocalypse has sunk in and we’ve beaten the maniacal meatsacks from our doorsteps, that’s the first place we’ll go. And, being naturally inclined towards cultivating consciousness-raising sewing circle enlistees, we’ll bring as many women as we meet along the way with us.

3. Logic rules the day. When it comes to fighting hordes of hungry horror-show extras, what you need is a cohesive unit. Next to a military platoon, no one has more skill at circling the wagons than feminists. With perceptions sharpened by consistently having to weed friend from foe, feminists can quickly and mechanically size up any group, figure out who’s strengths are where, and deploy everyone to immediate and effective action. Fighting through rioting mobs of misogynists is just a warm up for galvanizing an angry, machete-and-clawhammer wielding bitch brigade. With the right feminist leadership, any enclave, no matter how overrun, can be protected.

4. Feminist is only a few letters removed from Opportunist. The only thing we’re more afraid of than having our faces eaten from our still-screaming skulls is being subjected to another few centuries of subjugation by a bunch of conservative, vag-hatin’ cretins. Basically, feminists would be more than happy to turn Mr. Right Wing Fascist into Mr. White Meat Entrée for our new favorite pets, the undead, if given half a chance. And once we’ve eradicated the problem (and cleaned up the bodies), the rest of the human race will finally be free to take deep sighs of relief and get on with creating social order that favors such audacious “feminist” ideals as rights-of-personhood and justice over slavery and imperialism.

Maybe the zompocalypse wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Besides, I’ve always wanted a dog named Mr. Chompers, but a zombie would be an okay stand in.

RIP Mia.

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All content copyright unless otherwise specified © 2008-2013 by Tammy Salyer, writer. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to use short quotes provided proper attribution is given.

10 Replies to “How Feminists Will Save the Human Race From the Zombocalypse”

  1. Shantnu Tiwari

    Not to mention:

    5. Feminists are already used to herd of men in nighclubs, trying to walk by them, “bumping” into them by accident. No zombie ain’t gonna get a chance to lay its dirty hands on a feminist, no matter how many of them there are.

    Reply
  2. Gerry Fenge (@GerryFenge)

    I’d say I seriously enjoyed this, but maybe seriously is the wrong word. How about:-

    absolutely, beyond any doubt, categorically, clearly, decidedly, doubtless, doubtlessly, easily, explicitly, expressly, far and away, finally, indubitably, no ifs ands or buts about it, obviously, plainly, positively, specifically, surely, undeniably, unequivocally, unmistakably, unquestionably, without doubt, without fail, without question

    (I just googled ‘definitely’)

    Reply
  3. jeff

    all valid points and duly noted. when it goes down, i’ll head to lowes/home depot and keep an eye out and i’ll come packing. all this talk of killing zombies/dudebags has me wanting to purchase another gardening tool. axe, clawhammer or pole pruner?

    one request, though. could you call it the “zompoc”? “zombocalypse” ties my tongue in knots.

    Reply
  4. Sheyne

    When you rule the world post-zombocalypse, I totally want to be one of your peeps! Until then, my baseball sits quietly by the front door.

    Reply

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