We all have our peccadilloes; some people have too many cats, some people eat only white food. But I think most people agree, one of the strangest groups out there has to be roadies. In my annual homage to the Tour de France, which begins June 30th, here are a few reasons why “normal” people think roadies are weird.
- On group rides, we think to ourselves things like, “wow, that guy has a nice set of cranks,” or “that woman has one sexy saddle,” and we’re not referring to their bikes.
- We feel naked in “normal” clothes because they don’t cling like our cycling shorts.
- No one can sit down in our offices because our bikes are leaning against the chairs. It’s not like we’re going to leave our babies outside.
- Instead of things in our houses being fixed with duct tape, they are simply wrapped with old tubes.
- During most rides, we clearly hear Phil and Paul in your head as they narrate our progress and prompt us to unpack our suitcases of courage.
- Instead of an extra shirt in our gear bags, we have extra sets of arm and leg warmers.
- We don’t have friends. We have training partners (and this applies to all endurance athletes).
- When faced with tough choices, we ask ourselves, “What would Lance do?”
- We LIKE ice baths.
- We have more cycling apps on our smart phones than we have numbers in our contact lists.
- We find nothing strange about having around twenty things from which to drink out of in our kitchens, only two of which aren’t bike bottles.
- It seems perfectly reasonable to eat a pint of strawberry ice cream for breakfast on long ride days.
- We consider it a personal insult when we are passed.
- We find two-tone skin very appealing.
- Our senses of propriety and taste are deeply wounded when we see handlebar tape that clashes with a paint job.
- Full carbon makes us salivate.
- We test different positions on downhills to see if we can bend the rules of physics to increase our terminal velocity.
- Squirrels and other darting rodents terrify us.
- We can eat three pints of strawberry ice cream after a ride and still be at a calorie deficit.
- Our snot rockets could seriously injure small children.
- We plan vacation schedules around the Giro and Le Tour.
- We automatically call out “on your left” when passing other shoppers at the grocery store. (via wejazz)
- When we compliment someone on their flashy jersey and they say, “bright colors make you faster,” we take some time to seriously consider the possibility.
- We don’t think this or this or this are too high a price to pay for a good ride.
- We no longer crack a grin at the brand names “Syn Lube” and “DZ Nuts.” Lubing properly is, after all, serious business.
- We can barely lift a bowling ball with our upper-body strength, but we could easily lift a Mini Cooper and its Sumo wrestling driver with the strength in our quads alone.
- We buy or rent houses based largely on the length and quality of our bike commute to work.
- We even shave your arms.
- Strawberry ice cream.
- We have a pet named “Cadence.”
- There are always empty Gu packets in our washing machines. (via wejazz)
- Dan Wuori (@dwuori on Twitter) cracks us up.
- We find ways to work exciting anecdotes about today’s stage of whatever race into EVERY conversation. Thus, we’re left to spend a lot of time talking to ourselves.
- We buy new bikes instead of replacing our dead kitchen stoves. Whatever, we still have our barbequeuers.
- We wanted to name our firstborn “Thor.” (You know who you are :))
- We hate gravel with the intensity most people reserve for brutal dictators or the guy who buys the last box of Honey Stingers.
- Our partners have learned to preface simple requests of us after a long day of riding with “if you’re not too tired…”
- We read pedaltowardsdeath to be reminded of our mortality.
- Our bike trainers have their own rooms.
**Just a heads up: I’ll be doing a promotional free giveaway of my novel Contract of Defiance for Kindle and Kindle app owners on July 2nd, 3rd and 4th. Swing by Amazon to get your free copy!
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All content copyright unless otherwise specified © 2008-2013 by Tammy Salyer, writer. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to use short quotes provided proper attribution is given.