When "To Have and To Hold" Isn't Enough


You’ve thought about it, right? You know, IT. The zombpoc. You’ve started preparing, planning escape routes, gathering supplies, reading up on homemade early warning systems and HAM radio operation, boosting your cardio. All those things that mean when the zombies start munching their way down your block with the same zeal an overweight WASP on holiday munches his way down a Golden Corral All-You-Can-Eat buffet, you’ll be relaxing in your Hesco-basket fortified compound, sipping a Perrier and enjoying a technicolor view of exactly what an automated 50 cal on a tripod does to a hapless, lumbering meatsack. In a surprising number of ways, we must admit, the aftershock of the zombpoc will be a lot easier than the day-to-day pressure of work, family, domestic duties, repeat. At least you know you don’t have to worry about impressing your boss or getting swindled by that damn mechanic at Les Schwabs again.

But let’s face it. Things might get a little lonely if you’re the only one who’s been readying for this event. You may have a significant other, but what if they don’t make it? Or maybe there’s a special someone that you’ve always pined for but never pursued. Maybe that pining has even been mutual; you’ve both just been too shy or inhibited to make the requisite first move.

When the dead start to walk, one lesson we survivors will learn right away: ain’t no time to waste.

So have you thought about that other important thing? Who you’d like to spend the rest of the apocalypse with? This is going to be one of your biggest considerations, right after weapons, ammo, and water. Take a moment to figure it out. And remember, you’re going to be going through literal hell with this person; you’re going to be gore-spattered, exhausted, frightened, disheveled, and often in a very big hurry, with them. Your zombpoc lover needs to be someone fast on their feet, comfortable around explosives, versed in strategic tactics, loyal, and willing to make tough decisions. And, while we’re listing desirable traits, let’s not forget that they really should be hot because a face full of recently shed zombie blood will appear a lot less ghastly if the person who got splattered is attractive to begin with. Don’t feel guilty if this person isn’t your current spouse. Because, let’s face it, that person may not be up to the task of fighting off hordes of zeds, and you may not be up to the task of being responsible for them. Nobody is perfect, after all.

Okay, you’ve decided who your fantasy zombageddon sweetheart would be. Here comes the easy part. My zombpocalypse co-writer Mark C. and I have drafted an abbreviated wedding ceremony and vows that will help you cement that union when the shit hits the fan. It’s easy, quick, convenient, and most importantly of all (I think you’ll agree), rife with heart-thumping romance…As much as is possible when thirty of your once-neighbors-now-intestinal-contents-drenched-brains-in-the-teeth-walking-locusts are beating against your door. Don’t worry, you won’t need any witnesses for this ceremony (but guards are a bonus), and a pastor is likewise optional. Just gather your AK and your best bottle of bourbon, hacksaw a ring-shaped end from an appropriately sized pipe (titanium, if you can find it; copper is too soft and could end up getting squished onto your beloved’s finger and forcing an amputation, which makes wielding a knife or machete a bit difficult.), stare into your lover’s eyes, and say:

Darling,
I want you by my side, and none other. To that effect, I
make the following vows to you:

I will always have your six.
I will always save the last magazine for you.
I will always give you first dibs on any canned fruit or veggies.
I will always take the first watch so you can watch the sun rise.
I will always enter the building first.
I will always be the bait, distraction or decoy.
I will always make sure your blades are sharp.
I will never burn a book, no matter how badly we need fuel.
And if you are bit by a zed, I will always put you down before you turn.

(If your zombpoc spouse has their own set of vows, terrific, but if not, hand these over.)

Dearest,
I willingly and happily choose to walk by your side throughout the end days. I vow to:
Always have your six as well.
Always keep a spare mag at the ready when you need one.
Make a point to figure out how to cook something edible from things in cans mixed with rat meat.
Give you first watch so your sleep is never interrupted.
Clean your rifles after a hard day of zed killing if I stayed behind to guard camp.
Siphon fuel from tanks to spare you from the horrible taste of gasoline.
Track down and hoard batteries and solar battery chargers so we can keep our iPods functioning and never go without music.
Practice my aim daily so you don’t have to worry.
Work out my throwing arm to ensure maximum effectiveness with grenades.
And, like you, if you are bit by a zed, I will always put you down before youโ€™re turned.

You may kiss your zombpoc spouse. But just as a precaution, wipe the blood off first.

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All content copyright unless otherwise specified ยฉ 2008-2013 by Tammy Salyer, writer. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to use short quotes provided proper attribution is given.

7 Replies to “When "To Have and To Hold" Isn't Enough”

  1. Shantnu Tiwari

    I am so offended. ๐Ÿ™‚

    As someone who has been fighting for the rights of zombies to be treated as humans, I find it sad people still fear zombies.

    Many zombies lead good, honest lives, as lawyers, call centre workers and insurance salesmen. Yet people point to a few bad apples, and tar the whole zombie community with it.

    This is a sad day for zombie rights indeed…. ๐Ÿ˜€

    Reply
    1. Tammy Salyer Post author

      To be clear, we’re only talking about whacking the rampaging zombies. Those who are vegetarian and have steady, stable employment are, of course, exempt. ;>

      Reply

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